CW: mention of kinks, BDSM, restraint, raceplay, age play. All mentions are general rather than explicit.
If you have a particular kink or fetish that you want to explore with a provider, it can be difficult to know how to bring it up. It’s ideal that you would search for a provider who specializes in that kink or, at the very least, lists themselves as kink and fetish friendly. If for whatever reason, that’s not possible, then what should you do? When is it okay to bring up those desires?
You may not see the harm in asking, but any kink can potentially be triggering for a provider. I would not recommend bringing up kinks like age or race play with a provider unless they specialize in those kinks, due to the potential for trauma and how carefully such kinks should be approached. Roleplay scenarios can also be triggering to providers. Consider that BDSM involves power dynamics and that there are already power dynamics at play within sex work. Many kinks can be physically dangerous or involve an extra level of skill. With this in mind, do not immediately ask a non-kink provider if they can facilitate kinks.
Consider that BDSM involves power dynamics and that there are already power dynamics at play within sex work.
Before approaching the conversation, be familiar with the provider. Be aware of any limits they list in their advertising. If they create content, check it out to see if it indicates that they may be willing to engage in your kink. The caveat is that what someone is willing to do when creating content may not be something they are comfortable doing with an unfamiliar client. I make a lot of BDSM content, but I would not allow a client to restrain me. However, someone who creates videos that involve roleplay may be more comfortable engaging in roleplay during bookings, but maybe not! Personally, I would advise booking a non-kink session with a provider before bringing up kink. Make sure that this is a provider who you want to broach the subject with, and gain comfort and familiarity with each other first.
When bringing up a kink, first ask the provider how to compensate them for their time discussing it. I know you might be thinking, “but what if they can’t even facilitate this?” The thing is, a lot of potential clients message sex workers and ask sexual questions with no intention of booking. If you have either already seen this provider or you are scheduling compensated time to discuss the kink and/or fetish, it lets them know you’re serious and respect their time. Check out Shae Ashbury’s article on Efficient Communication With Providers for more detailed guidelines.
I would advise booking a non-kink session with a provider before bringing up kink. Make sure that this is a provider who you want to broach the subject with, and gain comfort and familiarity with each other first.
It is not okay to bring up kinks without compensating a provider. Additionally, it is only okay to discuss kinks and fetishes with someone who has consented to have the conversation. Some providers allow explicit messages and some do not. Be familiar with what they ask for in their advertising and do not overstep boundaries. It bears repeating that you can be specific without being explicit.
How do you start the conversation? Don’t just jump right in! Say that you would like to discuss a kink or fetish and want to know what their limits are and if they are willing to have that conversation. Asking someone their limits can help narrow down if you should even be having the conversation, but keep in mind that a non-kink provider may not think to list your kink as a limit. Give trigger warnings when necessary. Early and often.
Start off by speaking about your kink in broad terms, such as, “I’m a submissive who is interested in degradation”, or, “I enjoy roleplay”. If you get the greenlight from there, you might be able to go into more detail. You could ask questions such as, “Are you comfortable with roleplay that simulates power dynamics?” or, “what terms used in degradation are you comfortable with using?” This gives the provider the ability to think about it without being caught off guard by triggering or upsetting subject matters.
Asking someone their limits can help narrow down if you should even be having the conversation, but keep in mind that a non-kink provider may not think to list your kink as a limit.
If your provider asks you any questions, answer them to the best of your abilities and in the most respectful way possible. Being able to answer questions and being educated about your kink helps them know that you are not wasting their time.
If at any time, the provider says they are not comfortable, pause the conversation, apologise, check-in if they’re still comfortable talking, and if they ask, do not bring it up again. If a provider says they do not engage in any kink, do not try to convince them or see them under false pretences. Always follow the CRISP model of consent.
So, to summarize, when is it okay to bring up a kink or fetish with a non specialist provider?
- You have educated yourself thoroughly about your kink and/or fetish and potential triggers that are associated and health risks
- You have familiarized yourself with the provider’s listing, preferences, and content
- You have compensated the provider for their time discussing the kink and/or fetish
- You plan to broach the subject in respectful and broad terms
- The provider has indicated that are comfortable and ready to have this conversation
If you’re unsure, keep looking and consider traveling to see a provider who specializes in your kink!
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.
