We'll get to general guidelines of how to approach consent around kink with your provider, but first, I'm going to get personal for a moment. Maybe you've read my other articles and know that deeply personal is how I approach most topics. The main thing I have to offer here, are my own experiences, and I'm always going to be writing from that lens.
I have an unsent email draft that simply says "for a submissive, you're incredibly demanding." I didn’t hit send because it felt too much like giving them what they wanted for free. At that moment, it was better to block. Men who have degradation kinks often seem to want to engage with someone who isn't consenting by manipulating them into sending insults. I see it all the time on groups where people post screenshots from terrible dating app interactions. A man will say something disingenuous like, "my friend saw my penis and she laughed. Can I show you and get your opinion?" instead of contacting a sex worker who provides humiliation focused dick ratings. Even that text would be terrible to send cold to a sex worker, and if you can't tell why, we're going to get into it.
Hopefully, you're reading this because you are looking for professionals to fulfil your fantasies and you want to be respectful when contacting providers. If you’ve never contacted a provider before, I recommend reading Georgie Wolf’s guide, found here.
The first thing about any kink is that no one should ever be a non-consenting participant. This is true for all sexual activity, but is really crucial when it comes to kink. Kink and fetish play can add riskier elements to a session. A good guideline for consent when approaching a provider is the CRISP model, which stands for Considered, Reversible, Informed, Specific, and Participatory. You can look up this acronym and find a variety of good articles, but let’s discuss it from the framework of seeing a provider.
A provider needs time to consider your request. This is why I, and many other sex workers, don’t offer any kink activities on the first meeting. Your provider can consider any safety issues, repercussions, and workarounds of whatever kink you’re engaging in.
Reversible refers to both the provider and yourself being able to revoke consent at any time. Even though this is a job, it’s an important part of consent that we can end a session if needed.
Informed can be a difficult one to navigate when contacting a provider because when do you bring up the kink? Most providers have different preferences about this and their ads generally state such. They might say “no explicit texts” or “let’s talk about it in person.” Informed also means everyone is aware of what is happening. The scenario I mentioned above is not informed. Consider the fantasy of “being caught”, without roleply, this is not informed because the catcher does not know what’s happening. This also means you should not just spring a kink on a provider in the middle of a session or do anything without their knowledge.
Specific means that you should only participate in the acts that have been agreed to. If I have agreed you can finger my ass, that doesn’t mean you can try to have anal sex. If I agreed to spit on you, it doesn’t mean you can spit on me. If I agree to be called one derogatory term, it doesn’t mean that I want to be called any others.
Participatory refers to everyone being involved and making decisions. It means that each person involved retains bodily autonomy. Your provider has a say in what happens. Some men approach a booking like they’re directing a short film or coaching a provider through a work out, and that’s not what should be happening.
Given this framework of consent, can your kink be fulfilled while sticking to it? If it can, when searching for providers, look for ones who mention they are ‘kink friendly’. If they have content available, subscribe and you can let them know which video is your favorite. During this conversation, be respectful. Don’t say, “wow, I came really hard watching your video.” Instead say something like, “I loved your scene with the heels. Is it possible to book a session that’s similar?” Make sure to do this in an email and not on the platform, or the provider risks being banned! You can be specific without being explicit.
A lot of clients approach providers for kink not knowing a lot about it. Research your interests before reaching out. Many providers only offer domination services because it is much safer than offering any submissive services. As a submissive, I get clients who attempt to text me as if we’re in some kind of dynamic. This is never cool because I am not given the chance to consent. Unless stated on their profiles how they want to be approached, many dom/mes feel the same way. You are not engaged in any kink with anyone until they consent. This goes for things like: messaging someone and calling them an honorific, calling them a degrading name, and telling them anything sexual. You can book a sexting session with most providers, if that is what you desire.
If you’ve read and followed the guide mentioned above and this model for consent, you’ll have much more success booking a provider and having a fantastic time exploring whatever your kinks may be.
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.