As an escort, there are some things I’m asked over and over by potential customers that always ruin the mood.
It’s really disappointing when I receive a seemingly polite email, get excited about seeing someone new, then have to decline the booking because they’ve asked for condom-free sex, or decided they want a session right now. Some of these folks are simply time wasters. But I suspect that others are well-meaning clients that don’t realise their ‘ask’ is inappropriate.
I’d like to give you some guidance on what’s generally off the table when you see hands-on sex workers, so you have more confidence when you book a provider or meet them in person. Here’s a list of common requests and why I think they’re a bad idea.
Please note: these asks (and my reluctance to indulge them) are based on my personal experience. I don’t speak for everyone! We all have different needs and boundaries; what offends one sex worker may not offend another. But if you want the best chance of success with a provider, it’s probably best to avoid anything that might cause offense.
Non-sexual services to avoid
Let’s start with a few non-sexual ‘asks’ that I think are unwise. Although they’re not explicit, they do relate to our service offering, and I’ve encountered them often, both in booking enquiry messages and in person.
Requests for photos before booking a session
Sometimes a potential customer will ask for selfies or face photos before we meet. They might say, “I need to know what you really look like,” as if they worry I’ve faked my entire online persona!
Taking and sending additional pics of myself is time-consuming, and it’s not something I’m willing to do. Even when a client has confirmed their booking and paid a deposit, there are plenty of selfies and other photos on my website, social media pages, and advertising profiles.
Asking for photos may make you look like a ‘pic collector’ (someone who asks for sexy photos but never books). It’s also disrespectful of your provider’s time. For these reasons, I don’t recommend asking for photos from a provider. It’s an additional service, so unless they are also a content creator and you’re willing to pay them for their labour, it’s not an option.
‘Right now’ appointments
When it comes to escorts, there’s really no such thing as immediate appointments. It takes time to put makeup on, select lingerie, straighten the bed sheets, and/or travel to meet you, wherever you may be. Even a touring worker who sees clients at short notice is never available immediately, and asking for ‘now’ just shows us that you don’t know how all this really works. It will probably lead your worker to assume you don’t respect their time.
It’s not a service per se, but it happens so often that I’m mentioning it anyway. Some clients treat the booking process as a kind of barter, as if they were haggling with a used-car salesman. They’ll lowball, or even ask ‘What’s your best offer?’
But haggling a sex worker’s fee is super rude. It implies that you don’t think they’re worth the rate they’ve set for themselves - and every sex worker has the right to value their labor at a rate that feels good for them and meets their needs. Rather than trying to haggle, find someone who charges a price you are happy to pay.
Sexual services to avoid
Now let’s address the more ‘traditional’ sexual services some customers ask for. Here are a few requests I recommend you avoid.
Any sexual activities (if you’re in a place where sex work is criminalized, partially or otherwise)
Here’s a bit of bad news: if you’re in a location where hands-on sex work is criminalised, it’s very difficult (even impossible) to talk about sexy stuff up-front. In places such as the United States, any suggestion you’re trying to pay for sex will scare your provider off, either because they’ll think they’re being entrapped or because they’ll realise you don’t know how to be discreet.
You’ll need to wait until you’ve met your provider in person, paid their donation, and they’ve indicated it’s safe to talk about the sexy stuff. Only then will you be able to discuss any specifics that you’re hoping for.
Anything a provider says they don’t do in their advertising
If a sex worker’s ad or website says ‘I don’t do that’, it’s for a reason: they don’t do that.
Whether it’s ‘no oral without a condom’, ‘no incalls’, or ‘clients with references only’, these written standards are indicators of a provider’s boundaries. They’re not going to budge just because you ask. If you insist on asking, they might assume you haven’t read their advertisement as thoroughly as you should. If they think you might try and push their boundaries in-session too, your booking request could be refused entirely. If you want to be a great client, it’s essential to respect your worker’s limits, whether they’re written or spoken.
‘Natural’ sex (intercourse without a condom)
It’s a universal truth that every provider is allowed to set their own safer sex standards. Condoms, gloves, dental dams, and any other manner of safer sex equipment, may be requested (or not) by your worker, and these requests must be complied with.
In my experience, asking for sex without a condom is absolutely a no-go. Intercourse without barriers carries a much higher risk of STIs, and as professionals our health and safety at work is so important! Some clients assume that a ‘girlfriend experience’ session includes services such as sex without a condom, because that’s what their ex-girlfriend did. But sex work is not the same as dating. There are standard risks associated with any kind of casual sex that must be managed, and sex workers must be free to do this in the ways they see fit.
If the feel of condoms is distracting for you, practice with them at home to get used to the sensation. Try different brands and materials - some are better at conducting heat and texture. You might also consider trying an ‘internal condom’ - a kind of safer sex barrier worn by your worker that sometimes feels better, especially for those who are smaller in size or have trouble getting an erection. And if you can’t get an erection at all with a rubber, consider alternative sexual activities you might enjoy with a worker that don’t involve intercourse.
Elaborate, expensive, and specific costumes
I sometimes receive roleplay or dress-up requests for incredibly specific costumes: anime, pop culture, or a detailed fantasy the client would like to indulge.
I don’t mind roleplay, but I simply don’t have the time to put together an elaborate costume. Often, these requests involve searching for something unusual. It might be uncomfortable to wear or simply not look good on me. All of this adds up to an expense and effort that’s not particularly rewarding.
If you desire a complicated dress-up fantasy, I recommend researching the outfit you want, sending an online store link for the provider’s approval, and paying for the costume in advance. This might be an extra you're changed for if your provider sources these materials themselves. Even if you do pay, some providers might not be keen. In this case, try searching for a worker who specialises in cosplay, or a kink professional who can enact a complicated roleplay scene for you.
Anal play (if you haven’t negotiated beforehand)
Are you a fan of butt stuff? Fantastic. Whether it’s on you or your worker, activities such as rimming, butt plug play or pegging can be a lot of fun. But all these kinds of play require planning. Showing up to a booking with a sex worker and expecting unnegotiated anal is a bad idea.
There are a few of reasons for this. Firstly, your worker simply might not offer that service. Second, there might be an extra fee involved that you didn’t plan for. Lastly, anal play requires preparation. Most workers will need to douche. They must also ensure they have the right play equipment to hand.
A good anal play session can only happen when you discuss it up-front during the booking process. Or, if you can’t safely discuss services, you may need to meet your worker first then raise the possibility of butt play for a future date together, once it’s safe to talk about sex.
Kink activities (with anyone who isn’t experienced in kink)
Some clients are curious about kink but find the traditional ‘whips and leather’ aesthetic too intimidating. So instead of approaching a dominatrix or fetish establishment, they contact a regular escort and ask for kink play.
This is generally a bad idea. A regular escort - one who doesn’t list kink as a service - probably doesn’t have the skills or equipment to give you a safe experience. Even kink activities that seem light and playful can have powerful physical and psychological effects. And asking an untrained worker to attempt these things can feel unsafe for them, too.
If you want to explore kink, a traditionally trained BDSM pro is definitely the best way to have a great experience…and if the leather and latex outfits are intimidating, many pro kinksters will happily wear casual clothing on request. If you’re looking for a regular escort date with some kink flavor, try searching for fetish escorts.
Things you can ask for
Now that you’ve seen the ‘don’t’ ask’ list, what’s left? What can you comfortably request when you contact a provider or meet them in person? Keep in mind that everyone is different, as I said above. But these items are a great place to start.
- A specific booking time, day, and length. When contacting a provider for a booking, you can, and should, ask for a meeting of a specific length on a specific day and time.
- One or two sexual services. If you’re in a location where it’s safe to mention sex, you can ask for one or two specific sexual services. For example, you might say, ‘Do you allow kissing?’ or ‘Do you offer mutual oral?’ Don’t forget what I said about criminalization - swapping sexual services for money is criminalized in many locations, and in these circumstances mentioning sex at all in your initial call, text or email will scare your provider off very quickly.
- An outfit your provider already owns. It’s usually pretty safe to ask your sex worker to wear an outfit you’ve seen in their ads or on their website.
Tips on how to ask
Asking often feels tricky, especially for new clients. How do you check in politely, once you’ve determined that your request is appropriate? Here are a few tips to help ensure your ask is well received.
- Phrase it as a question, not a demand: “I’d like to see you regardless, but could I also check in around whether you do…”
- If it’s a must-have, make this clear so you don’t waste anyone’s time. For example, “I’m looking for a worker who offers kissing, is this something you do?”
- Invite a no: Saying “a no is perfectly welcome” helps your provider understand that you respect their boundaries. Another option is, “I understand that not everyone offers this, but I thought I’d ask in case you do.”
Now you know when to ask…and when not to.
When the wrong request could ruin the vibe of your next session with a sex worker, knowing what to ask,(and how to ask, is an essential skill for wise clients. Now that you know what to avoid, you can enjoy a relaxed booking process and plan your upcoming fun without awkwardness.
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