“I’ve been seeing a provider monthly for the past two years. I initially hired her to help me mitigate the grief experienced by the loss of my wife and our professional relationship evolved from there. While we have an incredible connection, I recently began dating someone new and feel myself ready to shed this phase of my life. I care deeply for my provider and am so grateful for everything she’s done for me; how do I transition out of our relationship with grace and respect?”
One of the most challenging elements of my profession is when regular clients of mine suddenly drop off. Yes, it’s baffling, and yes, it often impacts my finances, however I’m rarely left with feelings of anger or entitlement. Instead, I’m mostly overwhelmed with concern. Due to the prurient (and inherently surreptitious) nature of the work, I intellectually accept that I typically know very little about my client’s life outside of our interactions.
I am comfortable meeting my clients where they’re at in terms of transparency and vulnerability, and I genuinely don’t expect them to draft thorough, compassionate “break up” letters to explain sudden departures. However, I’m often left wondering – are they sick or injured? Did they move? Get married? Pass away? It’s an uncomfortable part of the job, and it helps me to treat these drop-offs as opportunities to practice non-attachment and embrace the fluidity of relationships.
I genuinely don’t expect them to draft thorough, compassionate “break up” letters to explain sudden departures. However, I’m often left wondering...
Recently, a longtime client of mine contacted me to initiate a “last session”. We’ll call him Anthony. Anthony came to me via personal recommendation by a mutual friend several years ago in the aftermath of a difficult divorce. He was suffering from feelings of insecurity and destabilization and was looking for a safe, intimate outlet where he could express and explore his authentic sexual desires for the first time in his life. I was able to provide that for him, and we became quite close. As a result, Anthony did what I hoped he would – he began to heal.
After an unusual multi-month stint of silence, Anthony reached out to say that he was in a really good place. He’d been going to therapy, traveling, dating casually, and finally felt “like himself”. He thanked me profusely for everything I’d done for him, and asked if he could hire me one more time to “say goodbye”. He offered to pay my full rate for a PG-rated evening of gratitude and reflection, came to me bearing several meaningful gifts, and proceeded to initiate a really beautiful transition conversation. He treated the end of our relationship with the same intentionality and reverence as it had commenced. As someone who has almost exclusively been ghosted by personal partners over the past several years, his thoughtfulness alone brought me to tears.
In an ideal world, every significant decision made within an interpersonal relationship would be clearly and compassionately communicated to the other parties involved with grace and respect. In this same world, the connections between providers and their clients would be held in the same esteem as non-professional ones, considered just as significant and deserving of “best practices”. In actuality, while we’re unlikely to experience this utopia of basic human decency, I believe that we – providers and clients alike – can always be better to each other.
So, dear reader, follow your A+++ inclinations and initiate that uncomfortable conversation with your pro. There’s no need to apologize for the progress you’ve made along your shared journey, nor for the shift in your priorities, and resist the urge to “soften the blow” by suggesting you reconnect in the future (if you have no intention of doing so). I guarantee, closing that container with care and dignity will leave the both of you better off.
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.
