When I take a moment to pay attention to the advertisements all around me on the London Underground, I notice something. All the men in the advertisements for suits, cologne, and sportswear are rippling with muscles. Their hair is perfectly thick and coiffed; their faces are perfectly chiselled. And when I register that this is the perceived ideal for an attractive man, I laugh to myself a little! Because as an escort, I know about attraction. I know what makes me feel and look good, for the man I’m about to spend time with. I know what qualities in a man make me feel warm, and a little giddy inside. It’s nothing to do with how young, lean, or lustrous he is. It’s everything to do with the way he first approaches me. Which means that in the world of escorts and client relationships – an escort’s attraction to the client is all about his initial message, his communication.
To understand why that is, let’s look at some examples of turn offs in my inbox. There are the short and not-so-sweet messages, such as ‘When are you available?’ and ‘How much?’. These immediately go in the bin. Then, there are the more typical emails. Ones that don’t address me directly, or make clear why the client is interested in me as a person or a professional. Ones that ask questions to which the answers are clearly stated and available on my website. Ones that are either too brief, or pornographic with the description of our time together. And most commonly, ones that approach me with distrust straight off the bat, assuming that I must be a scammer and projecting that distrust onto me. Most frustrating are the communications that are initially polite, and then turn to haggling, ghosting, and reticence to screen or pay a deposit once I ask to confirm. I’ve noticed that these types of communications in particular are often accompanied with the introduction: ‘I’m white, fit, and tall’.
In the world of escorts and client relationships – an escort’s attraction to the client is all about his initial message, his communication.
Clients may not think anything of these types of emails. But on my end, all I’ll feel in the run up to our meeting is uncomfortable. If a client’s initial communications don’t show even passing familiarity with who I am, I’ll feel anxious that we won’t click. If a client hasn’t read through my website, which is a basic requirement to contact me, I’ll feel worried during our entire date that they may not respect my boundaries. If a client’s underlying feeling towards me is suspicion rather than openness, I’ll feel turned off and hurt when they touch me. And if a client assumes their looks and race will make do and magically bypass screening, I won’t want to see them at all. In short, a client’s looks won’t matter at all to me if they make me feel disrespected.
To understand what escorts find attractive instead, let’s look at the way turn ons in my inbox are written.
“Hi Tulsi, my name is [x]. I’m interested in seeing you because [x]. I would love to see you at [x location] at [x date and time] for [x length of booking]. I noticed that you like [x] on your Twitter, so as a token of my appreciation, I’ve included a giftcard for [x] before we meet.” And that’s it. Because all a client needs to do is read through an escort’s information, and contact her in a personalised, warm, and respectful manner, with all the information needed for a booking.
Such simple, lovely messages make me feel so wonderful! When I can see that a client is genuinely interested in who I am, seeing his name in my inbox fills me with excitement. When I can see that a client has clearly read through my website, the thought of meeting him makes me feel overcome with anticipation. When clients are open and trusting towards me, I feel relaxed and open, too. And when clients are straightforward with booking and screening, no matter what they look like, I feel comfortable. Of course, bonus points go to clients who send a gift or tip - that just makes us feel that extra bit appreciated.
When I can see that a client is genuinely interested in who I am, seeing his name in my inbox fills me with excitement. When I can see that a client has clearly read through my website, the thought of meeting him makes me feel overcome with anticipation.
It’s when clients communicate well that I really feel attraction. When I’m getting dressed to meet this type of client, I feel giddy. It’s the type of giddiness I feel before a first date that I already know is going to go well. When I see my client, I’m not scanning him to see how white, fit, or tall he is. I’m looking at him with warmth. I’m looking at him through the lens of my crush on his impeccable manners! And so when I first touch him, I’m not noticing any of the things he may feel anxious about. So many clients have confessed to me that before we met, they felt insecure about their race, age, weight, height, or any other number of small details. But what I’m noticing instead is that I feel safe, respected, and cared for. That I feel completely ready to share myself. That I just want to touch, caress, and spend time with him.
That’s why sex workers don’t need our clients to be white, fit, tall, or anything else physically. My attraction to my clients starts with how they make me feel emotionally. Which itself starts with their very first email. Everything I’m physically attracted to in my clients - from the way they match their socks and ties, to the way they smile when they caress me - stems from my attraction to the way they speak to me. Emotional attraction is concrete - you either make someone feel good, or you don’t. Physical attraction is subjective. It blossoms from the foundations that we lay in every other aspect of ourselves. Anyone can have physically attractive elements to them. In fact, anyone will be physically attractive if they make their partner feel respected, cared for, and safe.
And so, that’s why I laugh quietly to myself when I see conventional depictions of attractiveness. Because escorts know what makes people attractive - and it’s a quality far beyond the physical. It’s a quality anyone can have - the art of a lovely first message.
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.
