There are two assumptions people make when it comes to sex work: that pro-Domming must be deliciously easy, while escorting must be unbearably difficult. I understand these assumptions, because when I first started sex work, I felt the same way! I thought that submissives are… well, submissive, and so must be much better clients. I assumed that clients who seek out confident women to serve would automatically be more respectful, but that’s just not true.
No one is simply ‘a submissive’ or ‘a dominant’. We are all multifaceted people. So, clients may be interested in exploring submission or activities usually associated with being submissive, but not necessarily have a deferential personality. There isn’t much of a guidebook for being a submissive. There are, of course, actual books and courses, but these tend to attract more hardcore kinksters. In my experience, curious newbies and those who desire gentle, sensual domination are more likely to get their exposure from porn. As we know, porn is a fantasy, not a guide. Adding to that, there’s plain old disrespect – if someone already has a poor idea of how to relate to sex workers, being submissive won’t change that.
The truth is that because of these factors, submissive clients aren’t necessarily any better or worse than vanilla ones. I’m lucky that all my clients are wonderfully kind, but for when subs are less well versed in relating to Doms respectfully, I’ve written up a roadmap to that kindness.
Communicate well
Of course, this rule can apply to all relationships. In the context of seeing a professional Dominant, this means properly researching the provider you want to see, and contacting them with a personalised but concise message.
Don’t send brief messages interspersed with long periods of ghosting because you feel nervous. If you have a desire you crave to unlock, Pro-Dominants are there for just that. Life is short, so own it, surrender to it, enjoy it! Contacting a Dom before you’re ready just disrespects her time and puts you on her blocklist.
On the other end of the spectrum, don’t send pornographic tomes about your fantasies either. Kinky discussions are for a Pro-Dominant’s paid time. That can look like paying for a phone, email, or text session; light conversation over drinks before you slip to the hotel; or a pre-session check in on the dungeon’s sofa.
Respect your Dominant’s personal life
I love what I do. I love being a vanilla companion, waking up in my lovely clients’ arms after sparkling overnights. I love being a tender Domme, sensually introducing men to my gentle control. But what I do is not who I am all the time. I am also a bibliophile, Pilates nut, and avid traveller!
I don’t see subs who expect me to be what I do all the time. They may message me incessantly between sessions expecting me to roleplay as a Domme. They may ask me questions about my personal life during our time together, trying to check if I’m “really” dominant. This kind of approach reduces Professional Dominant to just one thing.
Good subs understand that Doms are many things, dominant is just one of them. Respect and enjoy that your Dom is sharing their dominant side with you in the moment. You don’t need to worry about the rest.
Respect your Dom’s boundaries
We often think of domination as taking something from someone, and submission as giving. Sometimes it is, like a beautiful dance. When I undress my clients and pin them down with a smile in my eye, I’m sensually taking their defenses away from them and they’re giving me their erotic vulnerability. But this dichotomy doesn’t always do domination justice. I’m giving them the gift of exploring their desires; they’re taking my time, attention and energy. Domination puts the Dom in control, but she’s still part of an equal exchange. She’s still a partner in the dance.
So, respect your dance partner’s boundaries. Know what you want to explore, and talk about it honestly beforehand to exchange consent. Don’t hide what you really want to do and then spring it on your Pro-Dominant in the middle of the session out of shame. If you don’t know what you want, that’s okay! Just be honest about that too, and be open to the Dominant guiding the session.
Don’t top from the bottom
For those unfamiliar with the term, this means appearing to be submissive, but in reality, directing the Dominant. This can express itself as giving commands, “testing” them, controlling the flow of the session, and other acts that undermine the very power exchange you’ve asked for.
In my experience, topping from the bottom can come from nervousness. Sometimes clients get excited about their submissive fantasies, but the real thing can feel – well, too real. Topping from the bottom is a way to compensate for that anxiety. It’s always okay to take a break and recalibrate! I’ve had plenty of incredible times with clients who’ve decided in the moment that actually, they want a more equal, or vanilla experience. A good Professional Dominant will always make space for that. So, if that’s something you need, all you have to do is ask.
Take care of your Dominant!
This one follows on from making your dance partner feel respected – you also need to make them feel cared for. Yes, even if they are one subjecting you to control. Care is a way of saying thank you for their gift of domination. It’s also a way for you to really feel submitted to your Dominant. Ultimately, it’s a way to make your Dom feel pleasure.
So, put a little extra effort into making them feel good. Arrive with a small, personalised gift. Ask what they like – I personally love foot rubs from my submissive clients! When you leave, take a moment to thank them. If you especially enjoyed yourself, tell them what they did to make that happen. Were you finally able to explore something you’d always wanted to? That’s special – so let them know! And finally, support their business by reposting their social media posts, tipping them, and gifting them online.
Kinky clients who follow these guidelines can enjoy themselves fully, knowing that they are playing safely and of course, making their Dominant happy – which is the best part of submission, after all!
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.
