I'm openly non-monogamous and have been getting a surprising amount of flak from folks in my polyamorous community around hiring professional Dommes as opposed to just playing with someone in the community. What can I do/say to get them to just support me?
I remember the very first time I realized that other queer folks could be shitheads. I was 26 and found myself getting rejected by gay women who identified as second wave feminists. They believed that all women should be given full autonomy and agency over their own bodies - except when it came to performing sex work, which, in their minds, could never be a fully consensual act. Because that makes perfect sense.
It took me a while to reconcile that trusted members of my own community – others who had gone through years of discrimination due to their own marginalized status – could be just as, well, dickish as an outsider.
Moral of the story is that we often have higher expectations of folks in sexual minority communities – which you, dear reader, fall into as one with alternative sexual interests. We expect them to be more accessible, accepting and progressive than the status quo; to be safer. And when they’re not, it can be enormously puzzling and disappointing.
It took me a while to reconcile that trusted members of my own community – others who had gone through years of discrimination due to their own marginalized status – could be just as, well, dickish as an outsider.
Sadly, your non-monogamous friends seem like they have a lot of work to do. You may have to make the difficult decision to put some distance between yourself and the folks that aren’t going to enthusiastically celebrate and support you in favor of those who are. I’m always suspicious of anyone who doesn’t adhere to a “nobody’s free until everybody’s free” way of life, no matter how radical or anti-establishment they claim to be (thank you Fannie Lou Hamer). And I promise you, there are SO MANY micro communities of non-monogamous people who include sex workers in their ranks and stand up for their rights.
If they protest that they’re genuinely interested in doing better, they can visit SWOP.org, read memoirs like Melissa Gira Grant’s “Playing the Whore”, and follow sex worker activists on social media (most likely Twitter, however long that sinking ship remains afloat). Or, you know, Google “How to be a Better Ally to Sex Workers”. They can educate themselves. And hey, perhaps down the road you’ll reunite with minds that have truly evolved!
Now, what will your parting shot be as you sashay away from your former posse? How about a good gloating over all the time you’ve saved? Because here’s what you’re doing when you hire a professional: getting as close to a sure thing as humanly possible.
People don’t patronize sex workers for the mystery or thrill of the chase – if you want that, then go pick up someone who’s flirting for free. Time is precious, especially within a societal framework that reveres productivity and punishes rest.
I don’t know about you, but after working, tending to my property and squeezing in time for the gym, I have very few open appointments for friend hangs, let alone getting to know a new person intimately. The idea of booking a pro online who tickles my exact fancy – and knows all my desires and boundaries in advance, who I’m reasonably certain won’t flake – becomes extraordinarily appealing. Plus, we’ve had scores of time – and an array of enthusiastically willing participants – to hone our craft. Translation: We’re really fucking good in bed. Like, the best.
Here’s what you’re doing when you hire a professional: getting as close to a sure thing as humanly possible.
Additionally, sex workers are far more likely to test regularly, know their current status, and be proponents of safer sex than the average Jane Doe. We’re responsible for keeping a wide(r) network of folks sexually safer, and let’s face it – if we come down with something (and I mean anything, from a STD to strep throat) – we can’t work. Which means we lose money. So we’re less inclined towards risk.
Finally, sex workers have seen it all. We’ve worked with neurodivergent clients, clients with physical disabilities, clients who have never masturbated before, overweight clients, clients with eating disorders, elderly clients, clients who have experienced trauma, and oodles more. We are adept at creating a safe space for people to feel vulnerable, yet not exposed, in. We’re patient, excellent listeners, and completely consent-oriented. Yes, I am making a gross generalization, but I have found it to be true more often than not.
Sometimes we need to save time. Sometimes we want a guaranteed grade-A fuck. Sometimes it turns us on to have a partner who’s savvy on safety. Sometimes we need someone to hold our cock hand and give us permission. Whichever it is, dear reader, don’t get discouraged and keep on keepin’ on!
