"I don’t feel like I’m a very physically attractive person, and I worry that it’s going to affect my sessions with workers or cause them to reject me altogether. How important is it that my sex worker finds me attractive?"
Hello dear columnist, and congratulations on being the very first Ask Andre submission! I’m so thrilled to be given a platform through which to inform, reassure and empower our biggest and best allies: our clients! I’ve been active in the sex industry for seventeen years and have nurtured and maintained numerous long term relationships with those who consume and engage with my work. I harbor lots of gratitude for the ways in which those relationships have improved my own life, and I am more than happy to be at service!
Speaking of gratitude, I’m enormously appreciative of your question. In my experience this has been a common insecurity among clients, oftentimes so distractingly so that it prevents them from being relaxed and fully present during the time they paid good money for. That’s just not fun for anyone!
Let’s talk about the concept of attraction. I am, of course, not speaking on behalf of ALL sex workers, but I can surely talk to you through my own beliefs, experiences and preferences.
For me, there is a strong differentiation between the expectations I have of my clientele vs the expectations I have of personal intimate partners.
For example, if I were vetting a potential partner, I’d prioritize traits like sexual chemistry, intelligence, sense of humor, love of animals, financial stability, strong communication skills, physical activity, compatible political & religious attitudes as well as a general savviness around the LGBTQ+ community.
However, if I’m vetting a potential client, I’m primarily looking for timeliness, respect (to the point of deference, if we’re being honest), satisfactory communication skills, reliability and good hygiene. Let me be clear: Anything ON TOP of those base requirements is considered a BONUS! Great personality? Hell yeah! A hot bod? Gimme gimme! Stops to give all my pets individual attention before being led to my incall? Be still my heart!
Also, sex workers are often solely in charge of their own branding, marketing and promotion, which means that we have spent lots and lots of time curating our online image in an incredibly intentional way; this does not always indicate our authentic persona outside of work (also, a lack of perceived authenticity should not be judged harshly — boundaries are in place for a reason, and everyone compartmentalizes!).
Desirability politics are on a constantly fluctuating and evolving spectrum. You may be surprised to learn, for example, that your dominatrix actually isn’t very kinky once they’re outside the dungeon, or that your blowjob-enthused female escort actually identifies as a lesbian in their intimate dating life. We’re certainly not a monolith (and hell, if you’re THAT surprised, wouldn’t that simply indicate how awesome they are at their job?).
All that to say, how do you know that your sex worker ISN’T into balding men? Perhaps your worker has always been attracted to softer bodies over athletic ones, or has always had a thing for folks significantly older than they are. And even if our panties don’t need to be wrung out after every session, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been surprised by how often a client I wouldn’t notice at bar ends up being enormously energetically compatible with me. In ways I never would have predicted!
Attraction is a broad, complex, multi-faceted thing, and you can drive yourself crazy giving into your insecurities. But wouldn’t you rather trust that your provider is exactly where they want to be, doing exactly what they want to do?
Beyond that, don’t forget that the point of hiring a sex worker is to have a safe, enjoyable “sure thing”, bespoke to you and your unique wants and needs. Let those self-deprecating mental narratives run wild and it’s all a waste of opportunity and hard-earned cash, isn’t it?
Best of luck to you!
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