There’s a definition of good sex floating around our culture that involves two people flawlessly executing a series of positions, like a pair of lusty synchronised swimmers. They stick the landing and peacefully fall asleep in each other’s arms, mutual orgasms seamlessly achieved. This definition of good sex is relies mostly on physical skill and ability. In this headspace, sex is about having the rhythm, touch, and physical knowledge to press the right buttons and elicit sexual pleasure in each other.
Don’t get me wrong – if sex is a physical skill then I’m an eager and dedicated athlete. The feeling of getting to practice and perfect sensual techniques is unbeatable. Yet, this definition feels like the only one we’re exposed to. Mainstream TV and film often show two characters talking and then smash cut to their feet under the covers. The next shot is one we all know – the two post-coitally lying in bed. In our mainstream cultural understanding of sex, we hurry from sexual milestone to milestone. We create a version of sex which is all about ticking off physical pleasure in a race towards the finish line.
Defining good sex as purely physical loses all the subtle elements that make sex so magical. The frisson that sets us ablaze before falling into each other’s arms. The beauty of communicating what you do and don’t like. The vital elements of consent, trust and aftercare. The joy of smiling with someone in bed. These are the ingredients that transform sex into an incredible, holistic experience. There are so many of these ingredients, and they’re different for everyone. Over the years, I’ve honed in on three that I know will make for good sex with my clients.
In our mainstream cultural understanding of sex, we hurry from sexual milestone to milestone. We create a version of sex which is all about ticking off physical pleasure in a race towards the finish line.
Above all, I need a connection to have good sex. For me this can be an emotional connection, forged over time. I enjoy escorting most when I can typically get to know my clients before we go to bed. I love when I can chat, laugh and feel I’m forging a genuine connection with my clients. Our minds relax, our bodies naturally follow.
Physical connections forged in a quick spark get me going too. I’ve often found that clients with kind eyes, a warm smile, and gentle hands that open doors for me instantly set my heart aflutter. Whatever route we take, a connection is a must to making us feel fully present, so our bodies can warm up.
Once I’m in the bedroom with a client, the foundation of good sex is consent. Most people can agree that consent is as simple as agreeing to do something with someone else. Many clients are anxious that we are never consenting, because we are sex workers. At the same time, some clients assume we are always consenting, because we are sex workers. So, a simplistic understanding of consent means some clients don’t trust I’ve given mine, or don’t bother to ask for consent beyond an introductory conversation. Consent at its best, is an ongoing conversation – checking in with each other.
Once I’m in the bedroom with a client, the foundation of good sex is consent.
I’ve found that I have truly good sex when my clients and I define consent as mutual and ongoing. When we can openly communicate and negotiate about what we like and dislike, we have the freedom to slow down, take breaks, and switch things up. We’re no longer limited by what we feel like we’re supposed to do; our playground expands! We can both know the other genuinely wants to be there, really feels present, is truly being themselves in bed.
To give an example, as a domme, submissive clients often say in excitement, “do whatever you want to me, I have no limits!” This might seem like a sexy way to fully submit to your Dom/me, and it’s often part of a fantasy of completely surrendering. But in reality, it removes the conversation of consent from the picture. It means I can’t take control, because I can’t be sure whether my client’s really enjoying himself or not. When this happens I encourage my clients to think about what they actually want, and I share what I like, too. We can actually create pleasure based on our combined spark – and have genuinely good, kinky sex!
My third ingredient for good sex: presence. How many of us have just laid in bed, going through the motions, zoning out until it’s all over? Or performed for the sake of the other person? In these cases, sexual skill can still feel good. But ultimately, it feels a little numb. To me, sex without presence isn’t really sex, even if it involves all the physical skill in the world; it’s just a series of movements. Exercise.
Sex without presence isn’t really sex, even if it involves all the physical skill in the world; it’s just a series of movements. Exercise.
Sex isn’t meant to be a drudge! It’s not the monotony of commuting, or the stifling box of everyday social interactions. It’s something that connects us to the primal essence of life. Sex with presence is feeling a lover’s breath raise the hairs on my neck. Sex with presence is racing my fingers on someone’s thigh, feeling the electricity course through both of us. Sex with presence is feeling such a jolt of pleasure run through me, connecting me to my vitality. And when two people can be present with each other, that’s what creates and connects, physical and emotional intimacy.
There are so many wonderful ways to practice being present in sex. The first step is to be truly honest about how you feel. If I can see that a client’s nervousness is hindering them from being present in bed with me, I encourage and reassure them that it’s okay to be nervous. Acknowledging feelings allows us to let them go, to move past them consciously, bringing us into enjoying the moment instead.
When we’re honest about how we feel, we can enjoy the best part of being present in bed: having fun! Creativity, light-heartedness and laughter are so important to my clients and I enjoying sex. These values can turn sex on its head. From something that can feel bound up in scripts, to something that’s new, exciting, and ours. Whether it’s giggling over cute pet photos with my vanilla clients or gently reversing gender roles in the bedroom with my kinky ones, doing something a little different, a little fun, makes us feel alive. It makes our bodies feel electric with each other. And when we feel like that, physical skill isn’t the only flavour we get to enjoy – it's an ingredient that melds with the others, to make a sumptuous main course.
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.
