I’ve got some news for you: your first visit with a new-to-you sex worker will probably be the worst you ever have.

Not the worst in the sense that finding a soupy rotten banana in your car is the worst. Or how getting dumped out of nowhere is the worst.

But the worst as in: Things will only get better, baby! It’s all upward from here!

Let me explain.

Seeing a new sex worker for the first time, you’ll probably feel a mix of emotions. First, excitement and giddiness. Under your feet is a little extra bounce: the thrill of something new, novel and hopefully sublime. The delicious anticipation that brought you to them. Anxiety and nervousness, perhaps? Maybe even fear: what if we don’t get along? What if I mess something up? How is this all going to go? What if, what if?

These are all typical emotions, and a seasoned companion will both recognize them immediately and do what they can to make you feel comfortable.

My first dates with new clients are inevitably a whirlwind. Hopefully, there is good chemistry from the start, but true rapport and comfort with each other takes time to develop. Truly, it does. These things really can’t be rushed.

I think of my regular clients, the ones who make me light up whenever they message me for another date, and I think back to our first dates. And I laugh, because they run the gamut.

One of my regular clients initially met me with such nervous energy I thought he was going to fall off his chair, have a medical event or bolt for the door of the restaurant. I believe it was a combo of jet lag and first date jitters. We both laugh about it now. I find it so endearing, it instantly humanized him in my eyes.

With another regular, our relationship has a lovely slow burn quality; our first dates were pleasant but unremarkable: merely preludes to what came next. Organically, we’ve found our overlapping interests, and every time we meet, we explore them a bit deeper. We are also each others’ cheerleaders. Every single date builds on the earlier ones.

Lastly, I’ll highlight someone who booked long dates (extended overnights), to start. Initially, I really had no idea how we would mesh. He had a calm, slightly shy energy which made him hard to read. Especially when you meet someone for the first time, in a single context, it’s difficult to fully read a person. But here we are, years later, enjoying more extended dates here in NYC and elsewhere, and also bonding over our shared interests.

The common thread here – really, the only one – is that all three of them were easy to deal with during the initial booking and screening process. They were straightforward and polite; they acted with intention. And clearly, they have an openness about them; a willingness to let the relationships unfurl over time. But beyond that, they are very different.

One of the paradoxes of seeing sex workers is that the ideal experience typically involves relaxation and ease. But relaxation and ease can’t come on demand, or within a certain time frame.

Sometimes, it feels like we are trying to speedrun a relationship and beat our nervous systems into submission. Sometimes it works – instant, sizzling chemistry can be hot; sometimes that nervous energy can successfully transmute into OHWOW – but sometimes we simply need time.

Not everyone is built for the speedrun. I admire the men who realize that. Life is a big know thyself exercise, isn’t it?

So, if you are a client and you had a first date that was promising but perhaps clouded by nervousness or jitters or whythehelldididothat: know that these feelings are quite common. Grant yourself some grace. And harness the power of time to banish the clouds.

This was the worst date you will ever have with that companion, most likely. It was the worst. The very worst! Things can only get better from here.

Things will only get more comfortable. You will bond over your shared love of truffle French fries or Lord of the Rings or Scrabble or that pink lingerie set of hers. The nerves will go away, or at least ease. That ease and rapport will only get better, provided you give it an honest try. Those little quirks or mess-ups become speedbumps you can both laugh about; little bumps that simply add texture to your relationship. Embrace it. You can’t rush it.

Are you a sex worker with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!

The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from your favorite providers.

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