Harm reduction is a set of practical strategies aimed at reducing the negative consequences associated with risky behaviors. While commonly applied to substance use, the principles of harm reduction can extend to other areas of life – including relationships and intimacy. The reality is that many people in committed relationships do experience desires for extramarital intimacy at some point. The reasons are varied and complex – from sexual incompatibility to unmet emotional needs to sheer curiosity. When someone chooses to act on these urges, seeing a professional companion may actually be the least harmful option for all involved.
It is widely accepted that infidelity is bad. I am not here to argue that, but rather than cast a moral judgment on people who cheat in relationships, I can instead outline some of the harmful effects that can follow when someone decides to cheat. The obvious first one is betrayal and the hurt feelings of their partner. Beyond this are the surrounding community members and family members that may be brought in to process the ensuing conflict. This can rupture family systems, sever work relationships, and if there are children shared between the couple, can be particularly stressful on them. Infidelity has the ability to tear people’s lives apart, and the effects ripple much wider than the immediate hurt between partners. I share this first in part because I don’t want to minimize the gravity of the issue at hand. It is a heavy thing.
While commonly applied to substance use, the principles of harm reduction can extend to other areas of life – including relationships and intimacy.
Despite the risks involved, many people still cheat, and some engage in more risky behaviour. A 2021 Health survey found that 46% of people self-reported that they had had affairs (How Common Is Cheating? | Psych Central). A different study from the Journal of Family Psychology (When Partners Cheat, Who Do They Do It With? | Psychology Today) found that most people reported extramarital sex with a close personal friend (53.5%), followed by the category of neighbor/friend/long-term acquaintance (29.4%). So, for most people, affair partners were well known to the persons committing infidelity. In my opinion, this only increases the emotional risk as well as increasing potential splash damage. Trying to conceal a shift in dynamic with a close personal friend or coworker is a challenge. For the people who do cheat in this way, the risk of being caught is worth the reward of receiving the intimacy that they are craving outside of their primary relationship.
Just like people who seek out affairs have difficulty mediating their desire for intimacy outside their relationship, they oftentimes have trouble managing the emotional bonds that result from the affair in either themselves or their affair partner(s). In contrast, a tantric provider or professional companion is practiced in holding clear boundaries, both physical and emotional. We can provide a safe outlet for our clients to explore sensual and sexual expression without the risk of becoming emotionally entangled. This helps protect the primary relationship from the turmoil of an affair with a friend, coworker, or acquaintance, while still providing that intimate outlet. In the case of a married person seeing a sex worker, they can leave feeling fulfilled in their desire for intimacy with a minimized risk of developing an illusion of a potential future with that person. Connecting with a provider is a time-limited experience with a clear end point. Unlike an affair, which can take on a life of its own, sessions with a professional allow the client to compartmentalize and contain the experience. It doesn't usually impinge on family time or obligations beyond the hour or so shared in person.
In the case of a married person seeing a sex worker, they can leave feeling fulfilled in their desire for intimacy with a minimized risk of developing an illusion of a potential future with that person.
Sex workers assume most of the risk in the exchange of intimacy. It is a rare occurrence for a client to invite a companion into their family home or the favorite local restaurant of their spouse. The provider will either secure a location or meet at a hotel, and many will go as far as provide explicit instructions on how to minimize exposure in public. Sex workers understand very well what can be at risk for their clients – as sex workers we take on similar risk through engaging in the work at all. In the end what keeps the provider safe is what ensures discretion for the client, and that is clear and methodical boundaries in communication and time. The biggest risk that providers take is with their safety and well being, and most sex workers take great care to protect themselves from harm. When a client books a sex worker rather than approaching an acquaintance, they benefit from the heightened awareness of potential harm that sex workers bring to our work.
In my practice, I've seen many clients channel the insights and sexual healing they experience with me back into renewed intimacy with their spouse – and conclude our work together feeling more wholeheartedly dedicated to their marriage. One client in particular stands out to me from early in my career. An otherwise confident and successful man with a family came to see me, and was shaking with fear in our first Tantra massage session. He confessed to me his shame in having come close to having an affair with someone who was close to the family. He expressed love and respect for his wife, but had hit a place where she was entirely resistant to, or uninterested in any form of physical intimacy.
When a client books a sex worker rather than approaching an acquaintance, they benefit from the heightened awareness of potential harm that sex workers bring to our work.
We worked together regularly for several months and in time, he shared with me how promising new avenues of touch had opened up with his wife. He was able to learn from me how to be more present with her and create genuine openings for intimacy. We lovingly closed our relationship so that he could be fully present for his family, and I said goodbye to him with a positive feeling that I had helped him find a way forward to keep his family whole. He was able to walk away from me without any lingering attachment and minimal shame, knowing that the positive experiences we shared could just be private memories for him to enjoy moving forward.
To be clear, seeing a companion is not a replacement for doing the difficult work of examining and communicating about the challenges in a relationship. Couples therapy, improved dialogue, and rebuilding trust are essential to repair a connection where intimacy has become strained or unfulfilling for one or both partners. However, if someone is grappling with the near-overwhelming compulsion to stray, harm reduction means finding the least destructive path forward. Repressing the urge entirely often backfires. While society may cast judgment, the reality of sex and relationships is rarely black and white. For the person who feels trapped between their desires and their commitments, seeing a caring professional may provide the most ethical, responsible outlet. It's harm reduction – not a solution, but a safer choice that minimizes risk for all parties involved.
Are you a sex worker or client with tips or experiences to share? We'd love to hear from you!
The Good Client Guide destigmatizes sex work while providing guidance on how to be a better client and ally. Better experiences for workers mean better experiences for clients! To make this happen, we’re welcoming submissions from both providers and their customers.